1. As soon as you arrive (unless we made other arrangements), you’ll want to place the two-part

• license-certificate envelope package

2. If the ceremony includes any of the following, you’ll want to be sure they are in place before the wedding begins. (Often the best place for the vows and rings is on the altar-table. If I m preparing vows on scrolls for you, I'll get them on the altar-table before the ceremony begins.)

• vows 
• rings 
• special ceremonial items such as a Unity Candle set, wine, sand, lasso, photos, etc. 

3. The Chapel staff is eager to assist with entrances and exits.

4. For many weddings, just before the ceremony begins, I’ll informally greet your seated guests and, if appropriate, light chancel candles.

5. Weddings with bride and groom often begin with the Minister entering from the side with the Groom immediately following, then followed by the best man. Alternatively, couples may process or appear together, and other plans best suited to the facility and the couple’s wishes determine the plan. LEARN MORE.  Same-sex couples have many options. *

6. After the men are in place in a bride-groom wedding,  usually the hostess (or someone you designate) helps the Bride’s party to enter from the front door of the chapel to process in. In case of rain, umbrellas or a "Plan B" may be used.

7. During the ceremony, you will want to enjoy looking at each other — not me — except when I’m giving directions. We’ll not rush. Feel free to stand naturally  and reach out to each other — and hold hands if you like at any time. I'll guide you through the ceremony so you do not need to worry about remembering anything -- except to kiss after I pronounce you married!

8. After welcoming everyone, in many weddings as arranged, I’ll motion for the bride to give her flowers to her maid/matron/man of honor to hold until the end of the ceremony when the bride takes them to recess with her husband.

9. Here is advice for you to send to your photographer. With your permission, I’d like to take a photo of you together after the ceremony. If your photographer wants me in any posed photos, this would be a good time, immediately after the ceremony. 

10. The certificate is yours to take when you leave — unless we make other arrangements, you will find it after the ceremony on the altar. It is legal proof of your marriage. Be sure you have it when you leave the chapel. I return the license to the court. If you wish, you can obtain a certified copy after it is filed. If you applied for a certified copy when you applied for your license, it will be sent to you automatically after the court records the endorsed license.
      LEARN MORE

11. Current health advice based on local assessments are found here.

12. Please feel free to let me know as any questions arise.

Again, thank you for inviting me to be with you on this happy occasion!

0. The mothers of the bride and groom and others designated for the honor of speacial seats, usually closest to the chancel, are seated after all other guests are seated.

1. The minister may provide informal greetings to the guests. 

2. The minister, the groom, and best man enter from the side and wait in the chancel. 

3. Groomsmen follow the best man immediately from the side or can escort the bridesmaids from the front door of the chapel.

4. The bridesmaids singly or with groomsmen escorts begin the procession.

5. The ring bearer and/or flower girl.

6. The maid or matron of honor.

7. The bride, often with an escort -- her father or other close male family member or friend on her right.

8. When the bride’s father reaches the chancel, he may kiss her and then place her hand in her groom’s hand.

9. The minister begins the ceremony by welcoming the guests.

10. He then motions for the bride to hand her flowers to her maid/matron of honor to hold during the ceremony.

11. After the couple are pronounced husband and wife, the bride is handed her flowers in preparation for the recessional.

12. After the benediction, the couple recess, followed by the wedding party.

1. I like to help couples design their own ceremony -- civil, religious, simple, elaborate -- that best expresses their desire and needs for themselves and their guests. 

2. Some think of weddings as a time of instruction; for me it is a time of celebration. Isn't it rather late at this point for the officiant to offer lecture or discourse on the requirements for marriage? The wedding should be about the couple, not me; references to the minister should be as few as possible; instead, let the focus be on the love and commitment of the couple and the joy they bring to their family and friends.

3. Here's a specific example. After the couple has been pronounced husband and wife, many officiants say to the groom, "You may now kiss the bride." Frankly, I have no right to give permission for the groom to kiss the bride. A kiss is customary and I encourage it, but why should the minister presume to authorize such an intimate moment?
     When couples request me to employ this language, I ask to be excused from such duty. I tell them, "You'll be legally married at that moment. The law gives me the right to pronounce you married, but it doesn't give me the right to tell a husband he may kiss his wife. Or that the wife may kiss her husband. I'll make it clear by gesture when a kiss is appropriate according to tradition. In my experience, guests much prefer to see this happen without me using this patriarchal, possessive, authoritarian, sexist, controlling formula. It is much more fun for your guests to see a kiss unprompted." 
     It's a bad way to start a marriage by having a third party presuming to give a couple permission to embrace. I have done hundreds of weddings, and couples invariably, naturally, and easily kiss without my having to give them permission.

4. Many old sexist customs, if used, can be reinterpreted to treat each person of the couple equally. This can be easily done to enhance the dignity of even the most high-spirited ceremony. An example is the sexist practice of the father giving the bride away. Instead, both families can present (not give away) and bless their children and the marriage. 
     Most Brides want to process into the chapel with an escort, perhaps her father, up to the chancel area. This Western custom originated with the sense that she is her father's property to "give away" to the groom. Another different traditional practice is for each set of parents to enter with each of the couple and remain with them for the ceremony. A contemporary alternate is for the couple to process together into the company of family and friends to celebrate their love and commitment; they may have attendants precede them to the chancel area.

5. I've pretty much given up on the idea that each action should express appropriate meaning because most couples want to do the expected or pretty thing. 
     For example, some weddings begin with a procession of women walking down the aisle before the bride, to stand at the front opposite the men who had assembled when the groom appeared. At the end of the ceremony, the men escort the women out, following the new husband and wife. But why should the men and women match up that way? Nothing has happened between them; they didn't get married; why should they exit as a couple when they entered singly?
     In fact, why should a couple to be married who have been together for years not enter the church and walk down the aisle together?

6. As I say, I've pretty much given up on such points and recognize the force of tradition and expectation. I routinely decide in favor of what the couple wants.
#costs
7. Most couples like music as part of the occasion, and most couples like to decorate. But neither is necessary. Pilgrim Chapel is already a special place without additional adornments. 
     A recent wedding showed how beautiful and moving simplicity can be. The bride, wearing a simple dress, did not even carry flowers and none appeared on the altar-table. She processed gracefully without music. The altar-table did have lit candles, a sign of sacred festivity; and a goblet and two cruets of wine, sweet and bitter, which, mixed, the couple would share; and scrolls with the vows the couple would exchange with each other. These items furthered rather than detracted from the ceremony.
     A relative was honored by reading a poem. Nothing was extraneous; everything focused on the love and commitment between the couple. And the recessional was celebrated with such enthusiastic applause that would have made music utterly superfluous.
     This was not about saving money; it was about the best way this couple had to express an unobstructed vision of their love and commitment. Their focus was not on flowers, or expensive attire, or elaborate ornaments, or other embellishments, but rather on family and friends who decorated the space from around the country with their presence.
     Couples who do wish to economize can easily do so with great dignity and meaning.

8. Specific examples and circumstances appear in the columns I wrote about weddings for The Kansas City Star.

A "CIVIL" ceremony contains no religious references, though words like "sacred" (what is of great importance and "benediction" (good-word, a fare-well, a good wish, a blessing) may be used unless the couple wishes otherwise.

A "SPIRITUAL" ceremony will invoke "God" unless the couple prefers expressions like "Spirit of Generations" or "Creator" or "Souce of All" or some other wording.

A "CHRISTIAN" ceremony explicitly uses the name of Jesus Christ.

A "UNIQUE" or "CUSTOM" ceremony may involve various traditions.
 

For Kansas weddings, see this. 

Weddings at Pilgrim Chapel require a Missouri marriage license valid for 30 days after it is issued by any Missouri county courthouse. For example:

 Downtown temporarily closed:
 use Independence office.
Historic Truman Courthouse
112 W. Lexington
Suite 30
Independence, MO 64050
Apply in person with ID
Apply on line
Waiting period: None
License expires in 30 days
Witnesses required during the wedding: two

Jackson County Downtown Kansas City
415 E. 12th Street, Room 104
Kansas City, MO 64106
816-881-3191

The "paperwork" includes both a License and a Certificate. The envelope from the court containing them is best given to the minister at the rehearsal or placed on the altar-table as soon as you arrive. You have nothing to sign. [In special cases you may be asked to write your name and location on the Certificate.] The minister will then invite the two adult witnesses you have designated to sign the documents and he will endorse them. (Some counties also ask for the addresses of the witnesses; the forms for the License and the Certificate vary from county to county.) It is usually best to complete the "paperwork" as soon as I arrive, usually 30 minutes before the ceremony begins, so you can enjoy your guests or take photos or leave for your reception right after the ceremony.
     Following the ceremony, the minister will place the Certificate on the altar-table unless other arrangements are made. The Certificate is legal evidence* of the marriage.  In your excitement after the marriage, be sure to take the Certificate with you!
    The law requires the minister to return the endorsed License within 15 days to the Missouri  county office which issued the License. If the couple wish to return the License to the county office themselves in person, the minister requires a receipt from the couple to relieve him of this legal responsibility.

Some couples may wish to obtain a certified copy of the endorsed License. Application for a copy can be made when applying for the License or at a later time. The Jackson County fee for a marriage license is $50; a certified copy is another $10. The minister's own records also note each marriage as required by law.
#NameChange
For a name change, present a certified copy of the marriage license to apporpriate offices, such as Social Security, Drivers License Bureau, banks, and so forth. The marriage license office does not make name changes. You can make name changes at any time.

Marriages are governed generally by state law, but each state recognizes the marriages performed in other states even though they may have different requirements. And the counties in Missouri have different forms, but as long as you have a Missouri license, since the wedding is in Missouri, you'll be legal. 
     I once perfromed a wedding without checking the license first. After the wedding, when I discovered the couple had a Kansas license, the couple, their witnesses, and I had to go over the State Line to Kansas, find an appropriate spot, and have another brief ceremony there. I'm glad the weather was good that day! Now I always get the legal requirements completed before the ceremony.
     (I am legally recognized in both Kansas and Missouri.)

*2018 Missouri Revised Statutes
Title XXX - Domestic Relations -- Chapter 451 - Marriage, Marriage Contracts, and Rights of Married Women
Section 451.110 Certificate of marriage to be given.
Universal Citation: MO Rev Stat § 451.110 (2018)

"451.110. Certificate of marriage to be given. — Every person solemnizing marriages under this chapter shall issue and deliver to the parties to such marriage a certificate thereof, which shall be furnished in blank by the officer who issues such license, setting forth the names and residence of the parties and the date of such marriage, and the county from which the license was issued and the date of same; and such certificates shall be prima facie evidence of the facts therein stated in all courts of this state."

"193.185(3). Each person who performs a marriage shall certify the fact of marriage and return the license to the official who issued the license within fifteen days after the ceremony. The license shall be signed by the witnesses to the ceremony. A marriage certificate shall be given to the parties."
     [The county issuing the license provides an addressed envelope for the officiant for this purpose with the license and certificate which the couple present to the officiant before the ceremony. If the couple wishes to return the endorsed license to the court, the officiant requires a receipt from the couple to protect him against claims of violating his legal responsibility.]
#solemnize

WHO CAN SOLEMNIZE A MARRIAGE

LEGAL DETAILS:  Vern complies with the Missouri (and Kansas) requirements for a wedding officiant. Missouri law states:

Section 451.100. "Marriages maybe solemnized by any
clergyman, either active or retired, who is in good standing
with any church or synagogue in this state. Marriages may
also be solemnized, without compensation, by any judge,
including a municipal judge. Marriages may also be
solemnized by a religious society, religious institution, or
religious organization of this state, according to the
regulations and customs of the society, institution or
organization, when either party to the marriage to be
solemnized is a member of such society, institution or
organization." 
      Section 451.115. Anyone "not authorized by law to
solemnize marriages who shall falsely represent that he is authorized, and who, by any pretended marriage
ceremony which he may perform, shall deceive any
innocent person or persons into the belief that they have
been legally married, shall, on conviction, be adjudged
guilty of a class C misdemeanor." 
#preside

WHO CAN PRESIDE AT A WEDDING

If you have a relative or friend you would like to preside at your wedding who is not legally qualified (see above), Vern can assist to whatever extent you wish in order to provide legal compliance.

#Kansas
-------------------------------------------------------
KANSAS LICENSE OFFICE
100 N Kansas Ave 
Olathe, KS 66061 
913 715-3428 
Apply in person with ID 
Waiting period: 3 days 
License expires in 6 months 
Witnesses required: two 
      The law requires both the License and a         Certificate. The minister provides the couple
with the witnessed Certificate of Marriage
after the ceremony and returns the endorsed
license to the state.

Before or after special seatings (as for parents and other close relatives), an informal greeting may be offered, and candles may be lit.

Several ways of formal entrances are in use. You will want to decide on which style or how to adapt one according to your wishes.

+These plans can be enhanced if the groom escorts a mother (or other relatives) to his/her/their seat(s) from the rear and then takes his place with the minister (and best man and groomsmen) in the chancel area.

1 or 1+. Traditional Plan
Minister, Groom & Best Man enter from side
Processional:  down aisle honored men, 
then women, flower girl & ring-bearer, escorted bride 

2 or 2+. Chapel Plan
Minister, Groom & Groomsmen enter from side
Processional:  down aisle honored women, 
flower girl & ring-bearer, escorted bride 

3 or 3+. Paired Plan
Minister, Groom enter from side
Processional:  down aisle attendants paired, 
flower girl & ring-bearer, escorted bride

4 or 4=. Couple Plan
     =after seating guest, groom returns to door,  escorts bride.
Minister enters from side
Processional:  down aisle Groom and Bride enter together, followed by (or after) attendants

5. Custom Plan
Develop this with your minister (and wedding planner).
 

Most weddings do not need a rehearsal, but sometimes couples like to have them to preview the ceremony to feel more comfortable and help the wedding party be sure of their roles. or even as part of an evening prenuptual celebration by including family and friends. Whatever your reason for scheduling a rehearsal might be, these considerations might be helpful:

During the pandemic, I will not begin the rehearsal until everyone observes the safety and health guidelines.

1. Please remind folks that the Chapel is sometimes scheduled with events back-to-back, so it is important to be on time.

2. Usually I dress casually for a rehearsal. If you want me to dress up, please let me know.

2. Bring the paperwork (license, certificate, return envelope) in the big white envelope from the courthouse and place it on the altar-table as soon as you arrive unless we make other arrangements. Preparing the documents at the rehearsa with your two witnesses (you have nothing to sign) l makes it possible for you to focus on each other and your guests at the wedding itself with this detail already completed.

3. I will conduct the rehearsaI and call on the couple (and the wedding planner if one) to be sure that entrances and exits are what is desired.

4. Often is fun to begin with introductions -- who are you and what is your role in the wedding? This can be especially important for children.

5. Rocio at the Chapel and I want to help everyone know how to enter and exit, where to sit or stand, how everyone gets in place, and to give you a good sense of the sequence of the wedding. Questions or suggestions at any time are welcome..

6. Sometimes  ending the rehearsal with a brief prayer of blessing or, for a civil ceremony, a circle of best wishes, may be appropriate.

7. If everyone is on time, and there are no technical problem with recorded music, the rehearsal usually should take less than an hour.

Many couples choose to exchange rings during the wedding ceremony. Unless you have other plans, I suggest placing the rings on the altar-table when you arrive. This makes it easy on your best man (what pocket did I put that ring in?) and maid of honor (who probably doesn't have a pocket in her dress).

It is often appropriate for the minister to consecrate, bless, or  explicate the rings, then offer them to the couple with short phrases each might repeat to the other. 

If you have any concern about slipping them on your beloved's finger, a little soap on the inside of the rings may make it slide more easly. If you have difficulty, take your time -- no rush, and if your beloved wants to help, that's OK, too.
 

Dr Vern Barnet, ordained in 1970, founded CRES in 1982 as a multifaith resource for Kansas City, and in 1989 created the Greater Kansas City Interfaith Council. For eighteen years, his column, “Faiths and Beliefs,” appeared each Wednesday in The Kansas City Star into retirement. Here are some of his columns about weddings.
     The recipient of many awards for his civic and professional activities, and author of numerous articles, poems, and reviews, and several books, he has taught at area colleges and seminaries, and has studied and spoken throughout the United States and abroad. His general approach to weddings is here.
       He prefers to be called simply “Vern” — though if you wish to include his name 
on a printed program, please use this style:
The Reverend Vern Barnet, DMn.

Wikipedia article          CRES web bio

LEGAL DETAILS:Vern complies with the Missouri requirements for a wedding officiant. The law states:
     Section 451.100. "Marriages maybe solemnized by any clergyman, either active or retired, who is in good standing with any church or synagogue in this state. Marriages may also be solemnized, without compensation, by any judge, including a municipal judge. Marriages may also be solemnized by a religious society, religious institution, or religious organization of this state, according to the regulations and customs of the society, institution or organization, when either party to the marriage to be solemnized is a member of such society, institution or organization." 
     Section 451.115. Anyone "not authorized by law to solemnize marriages who shall falsely represent that he is so authorized, and who, by any pretended marriage ceremony which he may perform, shall deceive any innocent person or persons into the belief that they have been legally married, shall, on conviction, be adjudged guilty of a class C misdemeanor."
#fees
 

Fees for the minister’s services are included 
with Pilgrim Chapel arrangements. 

Fees for other sites:
     The honorarium for the minister’s services depends on the extent of the planning, whether a rehearsal is desired, and the context of the ceremony. You will want to include it in your wedding budget. Site fees are arranged directly between you and the venue.

    For inquiries about, and scheduling of, 
    Pilgrim Chapel, please call 816.753.6719 or 
     write pilgrim@pilgrimcenterinc.org .

     For more about wedding ceremonies, 
     baptisms, and other rites of passage, 
     email me, vern@cres.org  -- 
     my desk and flipfone numbers can be 
     made available for your convenience.

     For select adjunct services, (photography, 
           music, limo, planner-coordinator) click here. 

This interview was initiated and conducted by a marketing agency with which Vern decided not to establish a relationship, though the questions seemed useful. 
 

How does your service stand out? 
     I enjoy designing customized weddings for the couples who wish a civil, a traditional, a multifaith, or a unique ceremony. My background includes 

• officating at hundreds of weddings in my career at many local sites and beyond 
• ordination and a doctorate (5-year graduate work at a prestigeous seminary, not a mail-order sham) 
• special exerience in the field of world religions                (I founded the Greater Kansas City Interfaith Council in 1989) 
• writing skills (I wrote a weekly column for The Kansas City Star for 18 years among many other publications) 
• my bio appears on Wikipedia at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vern_Barnet 
• my wedding checklist appears here 
• chosen as the resident officiant at Pilgrim Chapel

What is your typical process for working with a new request? 
     I invite the couple to review the checklist and information on my website and then meet with them to plan
the wedding ceremony. 

What education and/or training do you have that relates to your work? 
     As I mentioned --

•      Doctor of Ministry degree (earned, not mail-order) 
•      Experience officiating at hundreds of weddings 
•      Background in civil ceremonies and world religions 

How did you get started officiating for weddings? 
     As a seminarian at the University of Chicago Divinity School, I learned how to conduct public ceremonies.
I've been learning ever since from the wonderful people I've been asked to marry. 

What types of folks have you worked with? 
     As you can imagine over the course of a career spanning more than half a century, I've been blessed with the complete range --

•      young people starting out 
•      couples with previous marriages, often with children 
•      same-sex couples 
•      folks with no religious affiliation 
•      Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and folks from other traditions 

What advice would you give a folks looking to find a professionally-trained officiant? 
     Look for an officiant who is able to respond to unexected situations, as sometimes arise in the best-planned
weddings, someone who makes guests feel comfortable, and who can establish and project the atmoshere the couple
desires for the wedding. 

What top three questions might folks think through before talking to professionals about their needs?
     Sometimes the couple may be weighing options about these questions, and they need not wait until they are sure what they want. Sometimes the officiant can help them think through the possibilities. 

1.      What kind of event the couple desires -- civil, religious, traditional, unique, indoors, outdoors, formal or informal, with rehearsal or not, a reception or not, and when. 
2.      Who and how many might be involved as particiants (attendants, musicians, etc) and who as guests. 
3.      Where the wedding might be held. 

Pilgrim Chapel has proved to be an exceptionally beautiful and convenient site for many weddings, and I have a wonderful relationship with the staff there. 

The Kansas City area offers many choice sites for weddings and receptions --